Not such a tame world....

Continuing down memory lane....

From yesterday. After looking through all the paper bits and scraps I had kept, I ended up with a few piles. [I'm a "pile-r" genetically. I get it from my Dad.] As I examined each patient sticker and my notes, I forced myself to commit it to one of the piles:

1. "Must Write" - this was the collection that with just a few details, I could clearly remember the patient. See their face. Re-live the situation. On a couple, I even had the heart pounding, lump-in-throat sensation all over again. So obviously, these were the patients that even now -- had really meant something to me. Because of my visceral response, these are the ones who really need their stories told.
2. "Stupid Stuff" - This pile evolved when I started to see a pattern that was best described as "Stupid Stuff That Kids Do". This further got broken down into "Bad Luck", "Bad Judgement", and what I like to refer to as the "Crap Shoot" category.
3. "Interesting" - This was the pile that ended up with the unique patients. Like the one & only kid I saw who really had Menke's Disease. These were mostly the oddities, or interesting milestones, like my first "Champagne Tap". I think they were kind of cool -- but the rest of the world out there, maybe not-so-much. Regardless, I couldn't bring myself to trash these notes. So they became pile #3.
4. & 5. were variation on the theme of "volume". I had kept all my pager & call flow-sheets from my senior resident calls. So these notes were filled with tons of admits for diarrhea, dehydration, RSV, asthma, etc. All the basic routine reasons that kids go into the hospital. Ultimately, this ended up being the biggest stack -- but I couldn't bring myself to trash this either. So it went back into the 2 gallon ziploc bag.
5. more volume, even less interesting
6. "Kuddos" - this was the very, very, very small stack of four pieces of paper that were "Atta-boys" or bits of positive reinforcement from three years of residency. I know I have a few others squirrelled away somewhere. But in general, praise was very far & few between in residency.... ["That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger...."]

What I found very illuminating after this exercise was this:

• All together, I probably have at least 25 interesting patient stories to write. In someways, that's more than I thought there would be.
• I also am bemused by what I didn't find.

I started my search through reams of paper today, intent on finding one particular patient's information. Which I never did find. And as I looked and sorted and consolidated tonight, I'm remembering a few other stories and patients, and I still haven't found their notes. Which means they either fell victim to an earlier purge -- or I have more stuff squirreled away that I'll find in the future.

Regardless, it's been an interesting process going back through this stuff. I think I've finally recovered enough from the trauma of residency to cope. Time has blunted my responses enough, that mentally - I don't get "stuck" back in that time.

It turns out that I've grown-up enough as an attending, that I am very comfortable knowing what I know, knowing what I don't know, and knowing how to manage the rest. So I don't feel haunted by all the insecurities that went along with residency.

I already know that it's going to take awhile to get all of this written. It doesn't help that as I work on one story, that triggers memories of others. And we all know my strong tendency to chase down rabbit holes....

Have patience and check back soon....

I tend to be a "here & now" kind-of-girl....

But Tuesday found me re-living my not-so-distant past of medical education & residency. [Relatively speaking....I graduated from medical school in 1999.] 

For the past week I had a strong urge to focus on my writing. I realized that I hadn't blogged in about two weeks, even though I had had some ideas. It was just that time wasn't easily available.

I'm one of those people that when I undertake a project, I tend to hyper-focus all of my attention on the project, until I get it done [or mostly done...  <sigh>]. There are pluses & minuses to this approach. The biggest minus is that I tend to not start until I know that I have a dedicated block of time. And if there's been one thing I've really discovered after motherhood, it's that uninterrupted time is a rarity. Which means I have a lot of projects that I haven't even really started....

So especially when it comes to my thought process and "flow" for writing, I prefer to write when I'm by myself and the house is quiet. [Again a rarity!] This means either when Tab is at school, or late at night when everyone else is sleeping/occupied. So schedule-wise lately, with the snow/ice days, Tab's posse of 1/2 a dozen kids at the house, my clinic schedule, pets underfoot, etc - I really haven't had a chance to hear myself think.

So this Tuesday was a gift.

I got Tab to school, got a large Coke Zero from Sonic, and returned to my desk at home.With nothing on the agenda until 3pm, I used my time to revisit my paper stacks from residency.

Some background:

During residency, every procedure that I performed had to be documented ad infinitum. So knowing this as a medical student, I started keeping track of what I saw, what I did, what I learned, the mistakes I witnessed.... I was a habitual paper pack-rat, noting my observations about medical education the entire time I was going through the process.

By the time I got done with four years of medical school, a year of general internship, and then three years of residency; I had accumulated a huge amount of paper. Since that final graduation, I have schlepped every bit of it, all over the state of Texas. Interestingly [and this is one of many reasons I maintain I had PTSD from residency....] I would know the papers were piled up, but I couldn't get rid of them. And I couldn't get myself to sort or purge them either. So they remained stashed in a file box in the garage, a set of binders in a dining room buffet, and overflowing out of a drawer in my office.

The first great purge probably happened about 2005. Although volume-wise I don't think I actually threw away much. But just the fact that I could let go of anything was a victory.  Then about 2007, I decided that I really wanted that office drawer for something else -- probably scrapbook related. So I managed to trash a bit more. In 2009, I actually went through the whole collection and made some serious progress at getting rid of useless paper. And I started to evaluate what I had in terms of "what would make for good writing material?"

That time around I managed to condense what I kept into a 2 gallon ziploc bag.

So on Tuesday [2011 -- sensing an every-other-year pattern here?] I went through my writing material stash and started to get serious about categorizing what I had. What I ended up with, after 5 hours, was essentially three piles and a whole bunch of ideas.

So I'm going to try to seriously work on writing some of these stories, instead of letting them collect dust in sealed ziploc bags...

Stay tuned....

Not much going on....

In my neck of the woods.

Routine day in clinic. Patient of the day was one of my many teenagers today. [Seems like I saw more of the 13-17yo set today than usual.]

Anyway, Jake* was there for a check-up, but really was there because his acne was bugging him. Or more accurately was bugging grandma. Poor guy! I really felt bad when Grandma fessed up that she'd been using rubbing alcohol on his face to clear up his skin. Ouch! I kept repeating in the visit that I just want him to wash his face gently with a mild cleanser. I sure hope she got the point.

So got home this evening to an empty house. Michael & Tab got a wild hair and had signed her up for a Tae Kwan Do 101 class. At a loss for what to do, I got dinner started & hit the treadmill.

It was pretty funny when she got home at 845pm & proceeded to demonstrate what she'd learned tonight. There was this whirling deverish of a white gee spinning around the living room. Lord help us - in apparently 2 belt levels she'll qualify to spar. Mark my words - this will not end well....

And speaking of whirling deverishes, poor little Zoe is finally starting to bounce back, quite literally. Sunday morning she cut her hind paw up in between the toes. Blood all matted up in there. Pure misery. Michael "thought" there might be a problem because she won't walk on it. Dr-Vet-Mom to the rescue. [Really?! I went to medical school for this!?]

Basic first aid later and we nicknamed her "Tripod" for the weekend because she wouldn't walk on the foot. She's just a touch of a drama queen. [Really - I have no idea where she gets this from!] So this evening it was feeling lots better because she hopped twice as I walked in. Just call me Dr Doolittle!

Otherwise, I'm drowning in digital photos. I spent the weekend being photographer to the family and now I need to download, sort and purge. Might I add, I haven't even looked at my own pics of Christmas yet....

That being said, I'm cold and achey, and given my flu exposure these days, I'm going to call it a night early, & go snuggle Merlot and my electric blanket.

Happiness is....

Being home in my office / craft-room with the space heater on full blast. [It's almost like Tahiti in here!]

Michael picking up dinner from Subway so I didn't have to cook or clean up or do emergency grocery shopping.

Knowing I have enough gas in the car tank that I can get to work & back and not stop at the gas station when it's so cold.

Having Sam & Zoe (the puppies) and Merlot (the cat) wandering in & out for pet-pets on demand.

Discovering a whole 1 pound bag of holiday mint dark chocolate M&Ms stashed in my office, that I forgot about.

Getting my charts done before leaving work, so this evening I am guilt-free as I preview music on iTunes

Discovering new groups that I adore, i.e. Lifehouse [which I had always thought was "Lighthouse"], The Script, Bruno Mars, etc. I think I'm also going to haveto get my hands on the latest Taylor Swift album. And I'm loving the feeling of just hitting the "buy" button and spending the last of my iTunes gift cards.

Realizing that even though I was a slouch and exercised NoT a BiT while I was out-of-town, the scale was kind this morning [down 1/2 a pound] and I really did miss my treadmill time. Of course, today I'm just cold & tired & unmotivated [see M&Ms above] so I'm going to give myself a pass & go to bed early. But I am looking forward to getting back into my routine and listening to some new songs while I hit the treadmill. [Note to self - time to start putting together some work-out play-lists....]

Looking at the calendar and knowing that in 14 days I will be pre-ordering my iPhone. :-)

Still snickering about the movie on the plane last night: "Life as We Know It" -- pretty cute romantic comedy, worth the rental.

Looking forward to nephews 5th birthday this weekend. Can't believe they've gotten this big. And looking forward to downloading all my New England photos -- just not tonight.

Just Super Fast....

Checking in to let you know that I'm hopping "off the grid" for the next few days. Planning on some intense family time, and hopefully a bit of writing time. And I know there will definitely be photo time!

I didn't post last night because I got busy with a) finishing charts and b) skimming a book about writing. All part of my plan to work on my Story for the year.

As I commute this week, I've been brainstorming possible topics. Since the clinic is usually on my mind as I drive to & from, so far my list is seriously slanted towards pediatric topics. What I've got so far? How about this -- and please let me know if there's a subject you've got a burning desire to read about:

• How to stock a first aid kit
• How to survive toddlers/preschoolers during snot season
• "Fever: Friend or Foe?"
• A Pediatrician's Pet Peeves

So what do you think so far? Anything sound like it's worth reading?

It's turning out to be a cRaZy week....

Which isn't allowing me as much time to write as I'd hoped. Ah, well, there's next week. Or I understand that now "there's an app for that!" Meaning that Typepad has just launched an iTunes app.

So basically I guess to balance with the drama of yesterday, I should mention that today was a hectic but crazy GOOD day.

• The new nurse practitioner [Whom I love & adore!!!] and I saw 45+ kids today. I still can't believe that I managed to get all my charts done before I left. WaHoo!!
• I managed to get to my women's club's annual Bunco Bash reasonably on time. And had the best bunco night I've had in at least 18 months! I was on-a-RoLL! [Pun intended -- sorry.] I got 2 bunco's, 9 three-of-a-kind's and won 12 of 16 rounds. Had a BLAST! Of course it helps that so many from my regular group, the Blingettes, were there. It's like I've got 10 aunts that all adore me because I'm the baby of the group. 40 to 80+ years -- we've got you covered. And where else can I play a few rounds with the town mayor? I love where I live!
• I did a test run with my new camera bag and it's awesome! Jo's Totes -- can't say enough good stuff about this bag.
• Late yesterday I got to open a box that arrived. A very, very anticipated box. My Tamaron lens came home from the lens hospital. I had dropped my camera in December and smashed my "nifty 50" and Michael [the Big Sweetie] went and replaced it for me. But around that time I discovered that my ultra sweet zoom wouldn't attach to the camera body. So sad -- especially since I use this lense for everything! Heartbreaking really because that lens was a $700-800 investment. SO off it went to be repaired (Hopefully!). A month and $200 later it turned out that the mounting ring had been bent. So that was fixed. Then they cleaned it all out and lubed all the focus rings, etc -- and NoW it's even better & smoother than it ever was. And my lens came home before I leave for the "Great White North!"
• Speaking of the "Great White North", my cousins & aunt have been texting me pictures all day of the snowfall hitting New England today. Which of course is where Tabbers & I are headed on Saturday. I must be insane!! I hate cold. I hate snow. What was I thinking when I booked these tickets? Oh yeah. Right. I was thinking I had a chance at a 4 day weekend and I should spring Tab & I up there for a quick visit. Sounded like a good idea at the time. Now I'm a bit worried. And let me tell you -- I will be packing my electric blanket! -- At any rate, I had a hoot all day as my phone kept chirping with media messages.
• And let me mention again how excited I am that Verizon has officially announced that the iPhone is coming. They're going to take pre-orders on Feb 3. I sure hope they "have operators standing by" at 12:01am, because I will be calling. I've wanted one of these for about 18 months.

In the mean time, Tab's arm is healing just fine. Looked much worse last night than today. I looked again this evening and there's very little blistering at all, just a tad of redness. The girl heals quickly.

And she pointed out that I forgot to mention that last night was the pits because she ran into a possum that had decided to seek shelter in our garage. It was gone this morning but scared the jeebers out of her last night when she went to fetch something from the Jeep for me. [My bad -- but I've mentioned it now.]

OK - more tomorrow....

Three Years Ago Today....

We buried my maternal grandmother. After an 18 month fight with an aggressive variety of dementia, Nana finally passed away. I was there for the last two weeks of her life. And while there are many memories that I would like to fade away, I am finally at a place and time where it doesn't hurt so badly to think of her. And so today, I'm going to pay my respects to Nana, my way....

My grandmother was born & raised in New England, in the 1920's & 1930's. She had very clear memories of The Great Depression and was an upstanding, thrifty Yankee in all senses of the word. She married my grandfather at the age of 18, and as he was in the Navy - their early married years were full of moving adventures.

In spite of 63 years of up's & down's, they were very much in love and devoted to one another. We, the family, really thought that losing Nana would kill Grampy; but he's surprised us with how resiliant he is and 3 years later he continues to bring JOY to our lives. [This was their 60th anniversary photo.]

They had 4 children; two boys & two girls. Although the order was girl, boy, boy, girl, over 13 years. Those children have gone on to give them 10 grandchildren and thus far 6 great-grandchildren. At Grampy's 80th birthday, we had a chance to get a photo of as many of us as possible.

And then again in 2007 at a family wedding.

 

Throughout her life, Nana was a hard worker. She had many jobs, mostly clerical in nature. At one point she was the "Girl Friday" at the local police department. Later she was a administrative assistant at a Shriner's Hospital for Crippled Children.

She was also a devoted Catholic and a pillar in the local religious community. And she was musical. She loved to sing. And she was an accomplished organist. It wasn't until we were going though a box of very old vintage family photos that I heard about the time in the early 1940's when Nana's church sponsored her to study organ playing at a school in New York City. I so wish that I could have heard the story from her, but I'm thrilled to know that detail from her early years. It also makes me realize that one of these days, I'm going to get serious and finally learn to play piano. I've wanted to for 33+ years now, so it really is getting to be time. And maybe, there's a little bit of talent that runs in the family - we just don't know it yet.... Sadly, I don't think I have any photos of her at the organ that sat in the living room. But here is a vintage shot of her & the other student along with their instructors the nuns [Nana is without a hat.]:

Nana was also fiercely devoted to her family -- all the branches. In this 4 generation shot, Yours Truely is the cute toddler with the pigtails:

 

In the past decade or so, there have been some splits and in-fighting and family politics. [As I am sure there are in most families, especially the larger they get.] But through it all, Nana maintained that we were all family and that we should all watch out for one another. She worried about all involved, whether they wanted her concern or not.

I take great comfort from the fact that in the last days of her life, I was one of her key caregivers. And I hope that it provided her some comfort to know that she was at home and surrounded by all her family. And for a time, everyone was able to put their hurt feelings aside and come together for this incredible woman.

Her wake, mass & funeral were an incredible celebration of her life. Because of her service to the local police department, she had an honor guard for the funeral procession. I find it's difficult to come up with words now. So instead, I'll share these photographs that I took three years ago....

 

 
 

  

 

Funny story -- when it came to leave St Michael's for the cemetery, the limo for the family wouldn't start. So even though the hearse was set to go, we all decided that Nana wasn't ready to leave church yet. It was a small beam of humor on a very sad day....

 

 

 

 

 
 

 





 

 

Story-time....

January 1st found the welcome e-mail from Ali Edwards in my in-box for the Big Picture class that I'm taking called One Little Word.

I was pretty darned excited to sign up for this class because I've been following along and choosing a Word of the Year for a while now. The first couple of years, I didn't do much except select a word and meditate on it intermittently through the year. The last two years, I made a concerted effort to having visual reminders around me of my word, and more often than not keeping my spirit open to that word's influence. It's amazing what a little tuning in mindset can do....

• 2007 Hope
• 2008 Faith [ed note: I had picked Trust, but didn't really "feel it" and within a few days ended up picking Faith instead.]
• 2009 Trust
• 2010 Joy
• 2011 Story

I really like the idea of having a "theme" or a "focus" for the year. And for whatever reason, Story just really resonated with me this year. I'm not sure exactly how Story is going to incorporate itself into my year. Yes, there is the tangible or writing and blogging more. But under the surface, I'm still not sure how this will work. My other words have all been virtues or values or concepts. Story feels a bit more concrete.

Some thoughts I have on how this may impact me this year:

• Well, I may end up making some very needed changes and that will help me tell my story better; i.e. better time management, habitually taking the time to actually write instead of just thinking about writing
• taking better care of myself a) so that my story lasts longer and b) so that I have more energy to actually tell my story.

Time will tell....

 

Fresh starts....

"Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow."    ― James Michener

I'm pretty sure that I'm not alone in the surge of hope & motivation I feel at the start of a new year. It's a blank slate. A chance to start fresh. Make changes. Grow. Evolve. Improve. And for the moment, all of the potential is bright and untarnished.

But then, after a few weeks, life happens and enthusiasm fades. It is so much simpler to return to familiar routine patterns. And slowly I feel myself settling back into the comfortable ruts that I've traveled before.

Anyone else? Yeah. I thought so.

And as always, January 1 marks that day to take stock and make resolutions. Even more so this year since the date happens to be 1/1/11. That doesn't happen very often, does it? January 1 just feels more significant than most other days because it very obviously is the start; the very first day of a brand new year.

So last night in the company of family & friends, I started a discussion about resolutions. Ahh....and from the mouth of babes came this wisdom from Tabitha: "I don't do that resolution stuff -- it just doesn't work for me." This coming after only five years worth of New Years celebrations. The consensus was though, that goals might be a better choice than resolutions. Of course the group list had the common ones: "work out more", "get in shape", "get organized", etc.

But there were some originals. Tabitha ended up choosing two: "1) improve my grades and 2) be more responsible." One of my friends voiced that she plans on finishing writing her book this year. That goal espcially resonated with me because I keep saying that "one of these days I'm going to write a book!" So how cool to hang out with someone who really wants to do the same thing. Maybe this will be the year that we inspire each other?

Reviewing my brainstorming list of what I want to accomplish this year, I've got some very concrete goals and then some that are a lot more nebulous at the moment. This year I would like to:

• Work on myself some more . I'd like to focus on my writing/blogging and grow as a photographic artist. I'd like my muffin top and its 30 pounds to go away. I'd like to feel stronger and healthier and more energetic. I'd like to continue to update & revamp my wardrobe, including my shoes. I'd like to continue to evolve my style and condense down to the really key components. I'd like to be able to do more with less.
• Complete some projects.As I look around my office right now, there are scores of projects in multiple stages of development, but none of them is DoNe! I'd definitely like to fix that
• Replace my kitchen table & chairs with something "Sam-proof". I love that dog, but he'll chew anything that doesn't bite him first. I'm thinking that this year, the kitchen will get more of a wrought iron, vintage metal motif in the decor department. I'll keep you updated....
• Continue to purge the clutter -- Simplify!!
• Redecorate the guest room (after de-cluttering, of course)
• Finally decorate the master bedroom. I've started to get some inspiration and now I have a direction to work in. Let's hope Michael is ready for some changes.... (It's all good Sweetie! I promise!) Let's face it, anything will be an improvement if it gets rid of the baby puke colored paint on the walls!
• I'd also really love to travel more this year. I've already got a good start on this one, since later this month I will be taking Tab back to New England to visit family she hasn't seen since July 2007 & April 2008.

I'm sure there are other goals that will come into being as this year progresses, but this seems like a good start for now.

So how about you? What are you hoping for in 2011?

You know it's been awhile....

Since you blogged, when your last entry is dated January 2010.

Actually, I had been thinking about my 2011 WOTY (see below) and wandered by my blog to re-read some of my entries. Funny thing is, it's been so long since I blogged that the entire Typepad dashboard/blog interface had changed formats. It took me a bit to get reoriented to how my blog works....

What can I say? This past year's "Word of the Year" was Joy, and I spent a great deal of time & energy living life and finding the JoY that was there. Not enough time to blog too. And Facebook managed to absorb my internet-surfing time.

So for 2011, I am fairly certain my "WOTY" will be Story. I've actually missed writing / blogging even though, Lord Knows writing is not easy for me. I firmly concur with Earnest Hemingway who said "Writing's easy! You just sit at a typewriter and BLeeD!"

Still, as 2010 draws to a close, I can't help feeling that I have quite a few short & long stories to tell and that there is no time like the present to get started. I can't promise that I'll blog daily, but I'm sure going to give it a college try.

If there's a topic you'd like my 2 cents on, leave me a comment. You never know what I'll be inspired to write about....